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Joke of the day: Not for the easily offended !
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Gareth



Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 6717


Location: Norwich, Norfolk, UK.

PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 7:34 pm    Post subject: Joke of the day: Not for the easily offended !  Reply with quote

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Johnny.

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

........................................................

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."

.............................................................
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"


....................................

To all those gardeners out there.

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps
him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'".
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MrsWW
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PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

:: - expect a delivery from ANC tomorrow - it'll need to be signed for.
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Gareth



Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 6717


Location: Norwich, Norfolk, UK.

PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 8:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A little old lady from Sun City, AZ. took her car to her mechanic. She
told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while
there is this terrible smell !! It never happens when I am on my own."

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin
and see what the problem is." Off they went. She drove down a one-way
street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both
sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians on pedestrian
crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now, there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
"Smell it? Lady, I'm sittin' in it!!"
..............................................................................

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with these Chinese customs of yours? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are **** in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about **** on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs." "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase Chicks, drink ****, and listen to Bull-****."
..............................................................

Holy Water vs Turps

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."


The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

......................................................

General Cosgrove (Australian Military General)was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to conduct a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a pr0stitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended!

.................................................................................

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.

One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence.

The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Ku Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologise now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

A nun quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pleaded, "Minister, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of the other nuns that you were a wizard under the sheets."
...................................................................................

Poetry...
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two
finalists; a university graduate and an old Aborigine.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the
Word
and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He
stepped to the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels two by two,
destination - Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old abbo top that they
thought.
The old Aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."
The old Aboriginal won.
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bodger



Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Posts: 32812


Location: Ever so slightly around the bend.

PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

:: :: :: . nice ones
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Gareth



Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 6717


Location: Norwich, Norfolk, UK.

PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 11:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An Indian chief consulted his medicine man about a problem that had been going through his mind. He told him -

"Being chief have three wifes. Year ago I receive gift of skin off a hippopotamus from friend who go to Africa. Skin on floor of teepee along with skins from buffalo.

One night get drunk on firewater, make whoopee with two wives each on buffalo skin and third wife on skin from hippopotamus.

Nine months later wives who had whoopee with on buffalo each give birth to a son, but wife who I had on hippopotamus had twin sons. Is there magic in hippopotamus skin?"

"No." said the witchdoctor "Is simple mathematical equation."



"Squaw on Hippopotamus is equal to squaws on other two hides!"
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Bazzer



Joined: 12 Feb 2007
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Location: North of the Thames, South of the Mersey

PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 6:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Was that for a Pie, Fag or Asre?
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Gareth



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Location: Norwich, Norfolk, UK.

PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 3:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A newly married couple are honeymooning in India. As they're walking through a bazaar they see a sign that reads: "Magic sandals. Guaranteed to improve your sex life."
The couple walk into the shop and are greeted by the shopkeeper. "These magic sandals," he tells the wife, "will increase your husband's sex drive and make him an accomplished lover." The wife tells the shopkeeper that her husband wears a size 10, and that he'd like to try them on.
So the husband sits down, puts on the sandals and gets a gleam in his eye that his wife has never seen before. The husband rips his pants off, bends the shopkeeper over the counter and goes to town.
Frantically the shopkeeper screams, "The sandals! You've got them on the wrong feet!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.
G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."
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Gareth



Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 6717


Location: Norwich, Norfolk, UK.

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2007 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
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MrsWW
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PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2007 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

::

Heard that one before - still made me chuckle though
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Lloyd



Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 3255


Location: bs36

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2007 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."



The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, "Watch this."

He told Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to mess all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
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Gareth



Joined: 07 Mar 2007
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Location: Norwich, Norfolk, UK.

PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2007 10:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just pinched this from a forum, thought it was hilarious

I have a dog, I was buying a large bag of Purina at the pet shop and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack as he staggered out the door laughing
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Pilsbury



Joined: 01 Apr 2007
Posts: 2142


Location: Essex

PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2007 6:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A new computer program......
Girlfriend for dummies 1.0
Eighteen months ago I upgraded to girlfriend 1.0 from drinking mates4.2 which i used for years without any trouble..

however, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run girlfriend1.0 with the sound off.......

to make matters worse , girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads night out 3.1, Football2 and Playboy6, Successive versions of girlfriend proved no better

A shareware beta- programme , Party Girl 2.1 which i tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system , forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks............

Eventually i tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these to systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware

Sensing a way out i then upgraded to Fiancé 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0 which i reluctantly agreed to because , whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources , it does come bundled with Frees*x Plus and Cleanhouse2000

Shortly after this upgrade however i then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run . For example , any mistakes i made were automatically stored in Wife’s 1.0 memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when i had forgotten about them........

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and Email P--n filter
and can without warning , launch Photostrop .. and Whingezip
These latter products have no help files and i have stopped trying to work out what’s wrong myself

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry . Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law , which cant be turned off..

Recently I’ve attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems
A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all of my M S Money files before uninstalling itself.
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Bazzer



Joined: 12 Feb 2007
Posts: 17915


Location: North of the Thames, South of the Mersey

PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2007 6:29 am    Post subject: BEAR AND THE ATHEIST Reply with quote

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in
the bushes.

Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran
as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that
the bear was closing in on him His heart was pumping frantically and he
tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over
to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at
him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..." Time stopped.

The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright
light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my
existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even
credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you
out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?".

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the Sounds of
the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and
spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am
truly thankful, Amen.
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Gareth



Joined: 07 Mar 2007
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Location: Norwich, Norfolk, UK.

PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 6:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes one out, points out the window and says: "This baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there." The man looks through the sight at the house and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the assistant.
"Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house," replies the customer.
Snatching the 'scope back, the assistant cranes his eye through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, naked, being hotly pursued by an excited young man. Furious, the assistant says to the man, "If I give you two bullets, will you blow my wife's head off with one and take the man's dick out with the other? I'll give you the telescopic sight for free if you do." "Okay," the man says, as he takes out his rifle and attaches the sight. Taking a quick look through it before loading, he hands one bullet back. "You know what?" he says. "I think I can do this with just one shot."
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Crow wing



Joined: 10 Feb 2007
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Location: England

PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 7:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

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